me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Smooooooth
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point