Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Weirdly Wednesday.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™