James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You Might Also Like
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.