Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
real
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.