What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind