I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”