While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine