All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
same vibe as tangled headphones
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Good point.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
grotesque if literal: baby food
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.