When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Tuesday
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.