verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
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Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
This classic never gets old . . .
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.