My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Lmfaoooooo
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Blew out my flip flop…
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree