to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
You Might Also Like
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.