“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I wish I could veto my bills.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”