I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You Might Also Like
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.