Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack