If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
You Might Also Like
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
ouch
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome