Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.