Finally, an instrument I can play!
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it