When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.