Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Doctors texting each other.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.