I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.