waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Nomnomnomnom
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.