If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
jesus christ confetti not now
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I am HOWLING at this
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.