[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow