Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
LOOOOOOL
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.