1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored