I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone