*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
knights of the ikea table
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.