Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I love wikipedia
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing