If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”