Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
🔦🌙👣
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?