A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Tastes like chicken.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
White Castle for the Win