For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
craving $300 all of a sudden
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.