Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: