Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The 6 types of sex
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
never forget
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy