5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Saw online –
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”