if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
philosophical skeletons be like
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done