Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I’m aging like a fine banana
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.