[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it