I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!