Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Taliband
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.