If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.