celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay