Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
when someone rings the doorbell
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts