I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
consequences, the bane of my existence
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART