Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
We need more people like this.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train