It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Happy Star Wars day!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.