*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.