BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
The old gods are rising again.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap