Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Ovenable?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.